My house My love

My thoughts on Our Love

FIRST Gary Chose me!!!! He chose ME! A gangly almost 22 year old with a 2 year old! So I guess he chose US!   Considering I am writing this 20 years later I think we have done amazingly well! Our life together has been the wildest of roller coaster rides with amazing peaks and some devastating valleys. We have buried 2 parents. Traveled the world with our epileptic son and angry daughter.

It is a challenge every day to be married! It is a choice! And a good choice for us.

What is hard?

 Well I always feel I am in a holding pattern. You see Gary is in the movie industry and he is either away working and I am waiting for him to come home or he is here and we are waiting for the call that says he will be leaving.  Either way it is HARD! I spend months alone with our son and daughter, figuring out their lives, my life, our household, only for Gary to return and adjust to him not living in hotel room by himself and me not being in charge of EVERYTHING.  You see it is a compromise and a sacrifice, our love!  He loves me! I love him! He chose me! I chose him back! He is not my best friend he is my anchor and I am his! He is my lover and I am his!

Our relationship is an ongoing adjustment. Where we are going, what we are doing but our love and support of each other has never faltered.

We do not have a conventional relationship! Nothing about it is Normal. Our 20 yr. age gap. Me having a 2 yr. old that he has treated as his own since day 1. We dated 3 weeks and he said I was the ONE! I believed him packed up and moved across the country. I left my house my job my car my family for a man that declared his love for me from the moment he met me! And He has declared that same love every day since!

We do not have the same love language! He doesn’t even believe in them but w/e I do! So I can tell you Gary is not a GIFTER, He assumes if I want it I WILL go get it!  He is not a WORDS OF AFFIRMATION guy, He assumes I need to take responsibility and believe in myself! He is not a QUALITY TIME man He assumes we are married and we live together so….! He is not a PHYSICAL TOUCH man. We got together b/c of sex we probably stay together b/c of sex. But he doesn't pat my back or comb my hair!  Gary is an ACTS OF SERVICE man! He has been serving me since the minute I laid eyes on him. He works hard for me. He takes Dane out of my hair for me. He gives me freedom. He cooks for me. He grocery shops for me. He will do anything I ask. I just have to ask. Truth be told he will buy me anything I want I just have to tell him what it is.

So just to be clear! He chose ME and I chose HIM back! It was not a one-way street there was NO chasing anyone down or making it happen. Our relationship just is what it is! And after 20 yrs. I think its still amazing and better than most. Yes it is still very hard but we love each other. No one is abusive or hateful. No one is cheating, drinking or drugging or anything damaging to one another. So…

Do I have a man that prays with me goes to church with me? No. But does he LOVE me and others YES! Is he KIND and sensitive YES! He is PATIENT YES is he PEACEFUL? YES Is He GOOD? YES! Does he have SELF CONTROL? YES! Is he HUMBLE? YES! Is he GENTLE? YES! 

So there you have it. 

How we got here

In light if the tragedy last week it got me thinking...

Autism, and all the other mental illness disorders so to speak... they are plagued with stigma from the time of diagnoses. Either by the parents themselves because often we like to stay in denial that they don't have it or its not that bad.  Out of finical strain many very bright capable children are put into special ed classrooms to be babysat and out of the parents exhausted hands for 7 hrs. Its all some parents have. Its their savior their sanity. The downfall is what happens to this child.

Here is my story.  And it really does take a village.
Dane was diagnosed at 5. VERY late due to his seizure disorder and meds he was on.  He was put in a special education classroom the following week. this was very hard for me but the "professionals" swore this is where he belonged.  Only a few weeks later did i see him isolating himself and walking the perimeter of the school yard. I was shocked! Dane has always LOVED people! loved friends and interacting. to see him off by himself put me in a rage.
We left the SPED classroom that day and never looked back. I fought for full inclusion in our neighborhood school and got it.  Dane spent the next 5 yrs fully included and happy for the most part. He had friends and play dates and although it was a BATTLE between me and the teachers and administration Dane was growing.  This all came to a screeching halt at the end of 5th grade. he was isolating again because his teacher decided he was too much effort to teach. she sat him in a corner and at every turn pointed out he was not like everyone else. SO it began again, at every chance he could get to get away from his peers and everyone he took it.  Once again i took Dane and walked away and never looked back.  He recovered! thank GOD!
You see, No matter the diagnosis there is a PERSON in there! A soul longing to be understood,loved accepted. to be treated like everyone!  Yes some of them are weird but seriously people have you looked around lately WHO THE HELL ISNT weird!  We are living in a society where women are doing some weird ass shit to their faces and we are still having lunch with them and talking to them like we didn't notice they spent 10 grand fucking up their face!!! that was a conscious decision they made, but we don't even flinch.
People with a Diagnosis are not making conscious decisions to be weird! They just are! At the cost of what happened this week ask yourself ...
Am i the kindest person I can be? Am I reaching out to that kid in school or having my children reach out to that kid in school that is "weird"? Loving, Accepting thinking about it!!!!!!

ups and downs

I don't know why I am so emotional these days. I feel like i am crying or waiting to cry! Its so stupid! I look at Dane and I am filled with this love hate waterfall!  I remember it all so clearly. His first step his first seizure all in the same week! the hospital stays the testing, the ICUs all over the world,psychological testing,spinal taps,OT,PT SLP,EEG tests tests and more tests. All at the ripe age of 24!!!  I am proud of myself and filled with anger all at the same time! Joy for having a son that has given me purpose but pissed off because it's not the purpose I wanted!!!!! Life is funny that way isn't it? Surprises around every corner!  Who would have thought I'd be married to the most amazing man and live this life of privilege entwined with all this hardship! I suppose God wanted to keep me from getting bored.

I certainly don't have time for that!

You see Dane goes to bed running his mouth and wakes still running it! there is never a silent moment with the kid. I keep asking God why didn't i get the kid that plays video games and watches tv for hours on end. NO i have to get the kid that is into mass finance. I am in the midst of writing a letter to Virgin America or Barclay bank asking them how he was able to apply for a credit card for him and his 84 yr old grandmother and pay off my $1700. American Express bill with their newly opened acct. I thank God grandma has a strong heart because she got the credit card and the $1700. bill all in the same envelope! And there was Dane with a grin from ear to ear proud of his accomplishment.

He astounds me everyday with what he is capable of. But I am overwhelmed with fear of his future right now.

What I'm up against

Holy Cow!
I wonder most days how I survive. To be honest I think I function on a level that stays just in tune enough!  Being Hyper focused on Dane does me NO good! so... I let him sort many things out himself.
This has proved to be a very good educational language therapy for him!
Because his obsession right now is shopping and during the holiday season it is candles and Martinellis Sparkling cider. I am sure he is on a first name basis with his favorite companies.  So he calls the stores he wishes to carry the flavors he wants. Everyday!!!!!!  Right now he is on Bristol Farms ordering manager Dino about carrying Apple Raspberry.  Dino said he would get it for him and it would be in in a week. Dane passionately waits his week and then calls to check if its in. It's not! he calls everyday asking for Dino.. I tune in to the tone of the people answering the phone..."O it's that man again!"
i giggle...
So yesterday, I hear Dino tell him Martinellis doesn't carry it anymore and they won't be getting it. Dane questions him appropriately and then hangs up and immediately calls Martinellis!!!! He speaks with his now "friend" there and and confirms they are in fact making Apple Raspberry sparkling cider and proceeds to tell them that Dino at Bristol Farms in Manhattan Beach told him Martinellis isn't making it!  So Dane hangs up Calls Dino back and tell s him he spoke to Martinellis and they DO MAKE IT!  Dino says Yes I know I just got an email from Martinellis Informing me!  I will definitely get it for you Mr. Capo!

I lmao!!!!! does Dino know he was just reprimanded by a 17 yr old who's paper work says he's MMR!(mild to moderate retardation)  Seriously I have just started a round of Psychological educational testing and the Psychologist I chose based on a referral decided to stop the testing because he has a 3 second attention span. She then refers us to our neurologist to be put on attention meds!!!!! i say are you F****** kidding me?!!!!
his attention seems perfectly fine to me and his intelligence may not be measured on an IQ test but he is definitely not MMR!  The boy is in Gods hands for sure because he exhausts every cell in my body and I know it is not my strength that endures but my GOD's.  Jeremiah 29:11 is and will always be my prayer for Dane!

I'm not talking to you about doughnuts!

O Dear Lord this week has been a doozy!!!!!

We have hit a whole new level of functioning! I have had to ground him from his computer again due to him ordering crap again. We had made a plan to go to Torrance Bakery but he screwed that up!! so for hours all I heard was I want donuts.... on and on and on.. so I finally yelled I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU ABOUT DOUGHNUTS!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!



He is so independent and brilliant that we just fall between all the cracks!  I signed back on with Harbor Regional to find services and opportunity for my boy. My beloved case worker looks at me and says...
I don't know why you signed up with us again. He is too high functioning for anything we have to offer and too low functioning for typical programs. So I'm really sorry Ms Capo you're kinda stuck!
Yea me!!!!!
I am constantly reminded how far we have come but this phase is very difficult. I suppose it is the teenage yrs with all kids that are difficult, having an autism diagnoses just adds another layer.

I am not really certain why people blog. Is it for me to work out my own anxt? Is it for your enjoyment? I am not sure...

Autism! Get over it I did!

I am continually asked to write about autism and my son. 

 This is what comes to mind. And I believe most people wont like it.  You see yesterday I was watching this video by a large non profit solely dedicated to autism. It pissed me off so royally I had to rant about it.  You see the woman in the video made this comment “ suffering because of autism”.

So here it goes. My opinion!

I do not believe anyone is suffering from autism. Every autistic person I know is happier than I am. They don’t know any better. They live in a world of their own that is much happier than the world I reside in. In reality and in my head! Haha

My son for instance does not see race or age or sickness. He sees no differences in rich or poor fat or skinny, beautiful or ugly.  He just sees people!  What a gift!

See the only time my son ever “suffered” was when I did not accept who God made him to be!  See God allowed my son to be born with Autism and then chose me to be his mother.  Go figure!  Once I realized he would never be put into some box that our society has cut out for most of us I was able to accept who he was meant to be.  He is smart, in a way that cannot be measured by our education system. He is social in a way that doesn’t meet the norm. (because of the things I mentioned above)  He is endearing and loveable. He is kind!

The suffering I mentioned would be the years He was in school.  Having the teachers tell him he was different and not like it was a good thing. Choosing not to give him assignments that the other kids were given because they decided he was retarded and couldn’t do it.  Over and over everyday being told or shown that you are not like everyone else and that it isn’t okay ruins the spirit.  By 5^th grade my son had quit talking. He refused to go eat lunch in the quad. He refused to go out on the play ground. I had let the school people define him in the 8 hours he spent at school everyday.  I had failed him! 

We left school 6 weeks before the year ended and never returned.  My son is 16 now and more confident and capable than I.